This isn’t a book-related post. But it is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and since this is the time of New Year’s resolutions, it might be worth discussing.
I’m talking about boundaries.
The concept of boundaries, and of respecting our own and others’ boundaries, has been around for a few years and sometimes very loosely applied to justify selfishness. However, don’t let the abuse of the concept obscure its power.
I have a reminder sticky-noted to my screen so that I see it daily on opening my laptop.
Honour your own limits.
For me, boundaries are limits. They are the limits of what I can do or endure before the cost affects other aspects of my life and becomes unsustainable. I can push beyond those limits, or allow others to do so (i.e. cross my boundaries), but doing so means I pay a high price. Sometimes that price is worth it, but I need to consciously choose to pay it.
It’s why I use the word “honour”. When I honour my limits I’m not limited by them (play on words intended), but rather I’m making a whole-of-life decision for my well-being and for my place in the community and the world.
Living in this way you soon come up against people who challenge and criticise your limits. Some do so directly, but others create a space in which you are seduced into thinking that it’s your responsibility to make them comfortable with your limits. It’s a strange idea. Critics of your boundaries first demand that you compromise, that is, reduce or remove them. If you hold firm, the implicit demand then becomes for you to make the critic feel better about your choices—and to be clear, limits aren’t choices. They are limits. Keeping this at the front of my mind and in my heart is why I use the term limits rather than boundaries in my daily reminder.
You cannot be all things to all people. The people asking things of you which you can’t deliver have to look elsewhere.
Being true to yourself means honoring your own limits. They aren’t restricting. They are empowering.
