This isn’t a book-related post. But it is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and since this is the time of New Year’s resolutions, it might be worth discussing.
I’m talking about boundaries.
The concept of boundaries, and of respecting our own and others’ boundaries, has been around for a few years and sometimes very loosely applied to justify selfishness. However, don’t let the abuse of the concept obscure its power.
I have a reminder sticky-noted to my screen so that I see it daily on opening my laptop.
Honour your own limits.
For me, boundaries are limits. They are the limits of what I can do or endure before the cost affects other aspects of my life and becomes unsustainable. I can push beyond those limits, or allow others to do so (i.e. cross my boundaries), but doing so means I pay a high price. Sometimes that price is worth it, but I need to consciously choose to pay it.
It’s why I use the word “honour”. When I honour my limits I’m not limited by them (play on words intended), but rather I’m making a whole-of-life decision for my well-being and for my place in the community and the world.
Living in this way you soon come up against people who challenge and criticise your limits. Some do so directly, but others create a space in which you are seduced into thinking that it’s your responsibility to make them comfortable with your limits. It’s a strange idea. Critics of your boundaries first demand that you compromise, that is, reduce or remove them. If you hold firm, the implicit demand then becomes for you to make the critic feel better about your choices—and to be clear, limits aren’t choices. They are limits. Keeping this at the front of my mind and in my heart is why I use the term limits rather than boundaries in my daily reminder.
You cannot be all things to all people. The people asking things of you which you can’t deliver have to look elsewhere.
Being true to yourself means honoring your own limits. They aren’t restricting. They are empowering.
Comments
10 responses to “Celebrating a Limited Life”
Thank you. Such an elegant use of words. All you write I find captivating but personal growth is a particularly difficult topic to communicate about. My therapist and I have spent some time discussing what word or phrase to use in terms of taking care of self – selfish, self-centered, and the like have such negative connotations. “Honoring your own limits” is perhaps the best phrasing I have ever heard.
Thank you, Stuart. It was such a personal post, that I blinked quickly (rather than cry) at reading your validating response. I hope you find the words and grace to value using your own time, energy, and other resources for you as well as for giving to others. And I’m so glad you have a therapist you can trust and work with. Wishing you well for the New Year 🙂
Thank you for this. It’s so easy to be pushed into giving more and more and more of yourself. I’ve done it before, and pushed until I got catastrophically sick.
I’m older and wiser, and try to be much better about managing my expectations of myself, and what I’ll allow others to push me into. And I love your perspective shift on it – honoring my limits seems so much more life-affirming, when I struggle to not feel guilty because I just can’t do something because I’m out of spoons.
Carrie, that moment when I learned about spoons! Life-changing. And yet, there still lurks some vague expectation (guilt) in the back of my head that I should have endless energy to give to others. I hate the health crises that teach us our limits, but I’m so grateful to recover from them and get another chance to be, as you say, older and wiser 🙂 Take care of yourself, hon, and happy new year!
Thank you once again for making me think more deeply about life.
I’m glad if my thoughts resonated with you. Thanks for taking the time to read them 😀
Thanks for this! So very important to understand and put into action.
Yes, and so not easy. Every day I make another attempt. It’s encouraging to hear of other people striving for the same balance. Good luck!
Limits, I like it. Very courageous. Well Done, You.
Thanks, Robbie 🙂